Dealing With Miscarriage

Dealing With Miscarriage

When I started planning for children, I feel like I was over-planning. I had the apps, a printed calendar, and even planner! I was so excited to learn that you could plan your pregnancy down to the day of conception to have to time of birth you would like. It was like ordering take-out, but I learned very quickly that it doesn’t work like that.

The very first try, I became pregnant and I was super excited. I couldn’t believe it was happening! I called the doctor and made my appointment and spend my days talking to my belly. I took pregnancy test after pregnancy test watching to see if the pink line would get darker and to make sure it didn’t go away! I became a pregnancy test addict! I kept doing it to reassure myself, and I also was still in disbelief!

The first appointment came and I had my very first prenatal ultrasound! The thing is, we didn’t see a baby. There was a nice round sac but no baby or heart flicker. The technician said I was early and was measuring 4 weeks. I knew that wasn’t right because, like I said, I planned out this pregnancy to the T. I was supposed to be measuring 6 weeks.

As for my emotions, I felt sort of blank. I knew something didn’t seem right, but the technician, later the doctor, both said I was just early. But that didn’t make sense either since the dates didn’t line up with when I knew I conceived. So, I was still excited about being a mom, even though in the back of my mind, I knew something wasn’t right. I even had a picture of the sonogram trying to find some evidence of my little baby in it.

I was scheduled to come back in two weeks, and I had another ultrasound and was psyched about finally getting to see my baby! I spent the past few weeks tired and always sleeping. I was ready to see my little cutie. The technician did her scan and on the screen was still a nice round sac, bigger, but still just a sac. No baby. My heart sank, but not too much because I already knew something wasn’t right. It was just confirmed. The technician basically said there was no baby, no heart flicker and sent me on to the doctor.

The doctor came in and explained that I had a blighted ovum. There was a growing sac, but no baby inside. The baby had stopped developing very early on in the pregnancy, possibly right from the beginning. I was given 3 options: miscarry naturally, take pills to trigger the miscarriage, or have a D&C done to remove the pregnancy. I opted for the natural miscarriage. I think once my mind realized there wasn’t a baby to provide for, my body then realized it was time to terminate the whole process because, after my appointment, I started miscarrying 2 days later.

My appointment was on a Monday, and I started to bleed on Wednesday, and Friday the pain hit. I honestly thought a miscarriage was like a heavy period. NOT. I was surprised with pain I had never felt before and the only way to relieve it was to sleep. As soon as I would awake, tears instantly ran down my face! It was that bad, plus the hurt of knowing WHY I was in that pain. I would stand in the shower and just cry my eyes out.

By Saturday, I spent the entire day crying and trying to gain some kind of relief and comfort and wait for the sac to finally deliver. It finally happened that Saturday night. My body had delivered the baby-less sac. I was devastated. I didn’t know what to expect. My husband and I were learning as we went and did what we could to ease everything: the pain, the hurt, the tears, our shattered hearts.

I lost a lot of blood but not enough to go to the emergency room. I kept track just in case I needed to. I spent that Sunday sleeping. I was exhausted. My husband kept me hydrated and made me eat some to build up what I had lost during the whole miscarriage process. I slept a lot. And my pain was gone. Once the sac came, the pain stopped. I had just gone into labor, delivered, and nothing to show for it.

Devastation doesn’t even measure up to how I felt.

That Monday, I was back at work, taking it easy of course. But I’m the type that I have to keep moving or I feel like I will never get back to myself. I didn’t want to stay in my slump out of fear of being stuck there. I kept telling myself it was alright, everything was going to okay. It was just my first pregnancy and my body just needs to get used to everything. It was the first try and it messed up. It will be much better next time.

Little did I know, next time had its own surprises, too…

After a few months, I felt ready to try again. I did the same things: obsessed with apps and planners, tracking ovulation and fertile days, taking pregnancy tests like crazy! Yes, after we tried again, I was pregnant! I kept taking the pregnancy tests again and again like the previous ones were all lies! I wanted to make sure that nothing had changed. This time, my doctor’s appointment was at 8 weeks. I knew I should definitely see a baby this time!

I went in for my appointment, but they didn’t send me to the ultrasound technician. I was sent straight into a room. The doctor came in and was pulling a cart with a mobile sonogram machine. That thing look like it was as old as I am! (LOL) So, she scanned for the baby and there is was! A BABY!!! And a heart flicker!!! We listened to the heartbeat, and suddenly I felt not so reassured anymore. The baby’s heart was slow, almost the same rate as mine, if not slower. But everyone acted as if everything was great. The doctor printed some pictures and told me congratulations. She set an appointment for two weeks. See, TWO WEEKS? Something wasn’t right.

I was confused. The doctor and nurse acted like everything was just fine, gave me a pregnancy packet and everything. So, I thought, ‘okay, maybe the machine was so old the sound was just going in and out’. On the ride home, my husband was so excited. I was happy and smiled, but I was worried. It didn’t seem right, but I seemed to be alone in noticing that. So, I didn’t say anything. Maybe I was wrong. After all, I was the only one concerned.

I went back for my next appointment two weeks later. I was 10 weeks along and still pregnant! Everything had to alright, right? Well, we went in to see the sonogram technician this time (and now that I think of it, I had every right to be concerned! Two ultrasounds in two weeks?). The technician scanned and there was the baby! But no heartbeat. No flicker of any kind. No movement. Basically, my concerns were confirmed yet again. I pretty much had the expression of ‘yep, I knew it.” The doctor came in and the first thing she said was that it wasn’t good. She gave me the 3 options again, and again I opted for the natural miscarriage. She said that afterward, she wanted to get me tested to see if we could find a cause for my losses.

I was calm through the whole visit, but when my husband and I drove down the road, I let it all go. I was so upset. I was hurt. I was confused. I was angry. I was brokenhearted, literally. I wasn’t confident in my body anymore. I considered the idea of possibly not being able to have kids, and it led to wondering how my husband would feel about me if I couldn’t. But he squashed that real quick and I was just so happy to have him by my side. He was also hurting, too. I was hurting and was having to deal with physically. He was hurting and having to help keep me together.

The appointment was on a Wednesday, and by Thursday I wasn’t feeling the idea having another natural miscarriage. I was already being tortured by the emotional hurt, pain, and sadness. I felt the physical pain would just bring me down to a place of no return, and I didn’t want that. I wanted to make it through this. I knew that one day I would be happy again, but not today. Not that week. Maybe not that month. But eventually, I would. But if I went through the natural miscarriage again, I just couldn’t handle it. I even became anxious/in sort of a panic about it. I felt like it would break me. I didn’t want to be broken. I didn’t want even my hope shattered and my faith in God destroyed.

I told my husband that I didn’t want to go through the natural miscarriage and wanted to do the D&C. I was nervous about it because I would be put to sleep, and I had never been put to sleep before. But I figured it was better than suffering the torturing pain again all to have nothing to show for it once again. And this time, there was actually a baby! What would I do with it??? I would birth out a tiny baby that wasn’t even alive! I couldn’t do it! And this is where my panic and anxiety came from.

I called the office that Friday, and they scheduled me to come into the hospital that Monday for the D&C. I went in, got hooked up to the IV and monitors and waited for the doctor to get there. When she got there, they prepped me for the surgery, gave me meds, and by the time I reached the operating room and they started setting up, I was out.

It was February 17, 2015. I woke up in a recovery room and I was no longer pregnant. I was no longer carrying my little baby that wasn’t even alive. The sadness. How do you come back from that? As I waited, a nurse came in and pushed me back to the surgery prep area where my husband and mom were waiting. I got dressed, signed out, and I was heading back home. I was cheerful, but it was a very sad day.

I spent the rest of the week at home resting. It wasn’t until the Saturday before Mother’s Day, that I fell apart and all of my emotions came crashing out of me. The sadness. The anger. The confusion. The ‘why me?’ The should’ve-would’ve-could’ve. The bitterness. The ‘it’s not fair’. The ‘I don’t deserve this’. The ‘did I do something TO deserve this?’ The desperation for true happiness. I wasn’t completely happy nor completely healed, but I just didn’t show it. With the natural miscarriage, I watched it all be over. I felt it all be over. With the D&C, I went to sleep, woke up, and it was just over. And Mother’s Day reminded me that with my first pregnancy, I would have been a mom then. But I lost that baby. Then, I lost another baby, a baby I got to see. And it was the day before Mother’s Day and I had nothing. Two pregnancies. No baby. Not a mommy.

I felt myself getting too worked up and I went over to my mom’s house. We talked and she actually helped me feel better. We talked a long time. She let me know that it’s okay. It’s okay to feel sad, to feel mad, to feel hurt. It’s okay. She even got me to laugh a few times. And little did I know, I would have the surprise of my life that next month…

If you are dealing with or have dealt with a loss, my advice would be

-ASK QUESTIONS: Doctors seem to play things off as if things are not as serious as they really are, maybe because they don’t want to alarm you too much if it’s something that can be handled. I say, ask as many questions as you need to. That’s one thing I wish I would have done. If something doesn’t make sense, ask for clarity. Ask for explanations. Ask about what to expect. Ask about how to deal with it. Ask what things mean if you don’t know. You may have to tell your doctor to not sugar coat anything, just come right out with it and tell me.

-Always have some SUPPORTIVE with you: Those family, friends, or co-workers that like to say things like, “It just wasn’t time,” wait until you feel better to hang around them! Seriously, they mean well, they truly do, but those kinds of words do NOT make you feel better with a loss. Maybe people don’t look at a miscarriage as actually losing a child, but I did! Those were and are my babies! You can’t brush my babies off like they didn’t mean anything to me! They mean a lot to me! They are my babies. They came from me and my wonderful husband! And I didn’t get to meet them. I didn’t get to hold them. So, keep those closely around you that understand your hurt. The ones that will let you cry it out if you need to. The ones that will cry with you. The ones that will have you laughing, but will hug you when you need to cry. The ones that get it.

-Give yourself TIME: You are not going to get over it at the snap of a finger. And that’s okay! I’m not even sure if you will 100% get over it, as I haven’t. I’m happy now, but I still feel sad from time to time about it all. Read my post on my pregnancy with AJ. I was worried all the way to his birth! All because of what I went through with these losses. I still worry about future pregnancies. It’s a painful thing, and you want to make sure you do everything you can to keep it from happening again because it truly hurts.

-If you don’t find a support group near you, I found support on YOUTUBE and FORUMS: Watching other women tell their stories and seeing their strength gave me strength and encouraged me. You may feel like your world is over and but it will be okay, and you WILL feel better.

-Take a break from SOCIAL MEDIA: I couldn’t handle just suffering a second loss and logging on to facebook and you got women announcing their pregnancies and they’ve been pregnant for like an HOUR! (LOL) I thought it wasn’t fair and started to despise other women that were having healthy pregnancies and could tell every so early on. I didn’t want to be this way and really wanted to be happy for other women because it really is a joyous thing. So, I quit social media for a while. Until I was able to handle it again.

-Last and definitely NOT LEAST, build your FAITH and TRUST IN GOD!: Without my trust in God, I would still be in a depression. Wanting something for so long and so bad, then to fail at it TWICE and lose your BABIES, it will leave you feeling like ‘what’s the point??’ I trusted God, and trusted that he would carry me through that hard time and he did! I trusted that things would happen when he wanted them to so I let God lead. I deleted all my apps, threw out all my calendars, stop tracking my cycles like an obsessed person and just let God do his thing. Many may wonder why would God allow it in the first place and why would trust someone that would allow such pain, but my answer is, change your perspective. Just because he allowed it doesn’t mean he didn’t want to fix it right away. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me. I had some things I needed improve and in order to realize that and learn from the situation to improve in those areas, he had to allow the hurt. Look at it this way, those of you that have children, if you’re watching you child through a window play outside, are you going to dash outside EVERY time they fall down??? No. You may shout from the window, “You’re okay! Get back up and play!” or maybe say nothing at all because it’s not too bad and you want them to learn to get back up and not panic at every single trip or stumble. Same thing. I knew God was there the whole time. When I needed him to carry me, he did. When I needed to vent and tell him about ALL of my feelings and how I hated what was happening, he listened and gave me peace. I wouldn’t be the mommy I am today if I didn’t continue to trust him.

Remember…

It’s okay to be sad. If you know someone that is dealing with a loss and not quite sure what to say or how to help, just be there for them. If they need to vent, be there to listen. If they need laughter, be there to laugh with them. If they need encouragement, tell them that it’s okay to feel down, but every second that they are still going they are getting even stronger. With every SECOND you go on, your strength is increasing. You are strong! And your strength can be the life saver for someone else!

Have a SUPER day!!!

Amy McCutcheon