My Journey Pt. 2
It was August 2014 that I found out I was pregnant. I tried to wait to tell anyone about it because “they” say not to tell anyone until you are in your second trimester. Well, of course I didn’t know or understand why. So, I started to tell a few people. Some people just started figuring things out, but we weren’t ready to tell EVERYone yet. My first doctor’s appointment was in September. I went in for my first prenatal check-up. I was suppose to be measuring 6 weeks, but was only measuring 4 weeks. Plus, there was no heartbeat, actually there was no baby. There was a nice, round sac, but not fetal pole or heartbeat flicker. The technician printed a picture and said I was just early. An appointment was set for two weeks later.
I went back in two weeks which was the first week in October and still no sign of a baby. Just a growing sac. The doctor said it was called a blighted ovum. I had a growing sac with pregnancy symptoms, but no baby. I was given the options to either miscarry naturally, take a pill to trigger the miscarriage, or go in for a D&C to remove the pregnancy. I opted for the natural miscarriage. What was I thinking???
Miscarriage is a horrible thing to go through. I will go into more details of that experience in my Dealing With Miscarriage post. Anyway, I miscarried naturally within the next few days of the news and by the weekend, I had birthed out the sac and was a complete, depressed mess. I was depressed for about a week, then I convinced myself that it was just my body getting used to something new. I was ready to try again!
Not Giving Up
We tried again and we hit jackpot again! Or so I thought. This time it was December and I was feeling super tired. Found out I was pregnant and set off to the doctor’s office to hear and see our exciting bundle of joy! It was January 2015 when I went in and I was measuring about 8 weeks, right on track! And to see that little bean of love is so indescribable! However, when listening to the heartbeat, it sounded very slow, almost like an adult’s resting heart rate. I didn’t know if it was the machine or if my baby had a slow heartbeat. The doctor congratulated me, gave me some reading material, and told me to come back in 2 weeks. Two weeks? Again? This wasn’t good.
I went back in two weeks which was now the beginning of February. We saw the baby, but sadly there was no heartbeat at all. I was given the same 3 options again and time to think it over. I started out wanting to stick to going through it naturally, but as the weekend came, I did not want to repeat what I had went through the last time. I called the doctor and opted for the D&C.
I went in for the D&C that third Tuesday in February in 2015. Everything went smoothly and I had my husband and mom there with me. It was tough. I felt like I was no longer good enough for my husband. I didn’t think I was going to be able to have children. I felt like it was so unfair because so many have children with no problems and some don’t even want their kids!!! Why did I deserve this difficulty? I had played by the rules and did everything right. Why couldn’t I easily have a child?
A Huge Surprise!
I was deeply hurt and saddened. Depression would come and go because I was really trying hard to fight it off. I was determined to keep my faith and trust in God no matter how things turned out. I had to make my mind up that I would be happy no matter what. Whatever was God’s will, I would trust him and be happy. This did me some good because without even trying, I found out I was pregnant again in June 2015! What a surprise!!
I have to admit, I wasn’t exactly thrilled. I had given up on and deleted all of my pregnancy and ovulation apps and was just hoping that maybe one day I would be a mom. I figured I needed to stop trying so hard and let things happen when it was ready to happen. Well, to my surprise, it happened without me even trying or mapping things out or scheduling it!
I was feeling a little nauseous and my period was late. I really didn’t expect anything since my period was late the previous month and that’s all it was, just late. But I bought a dollar pregnancy test just to see, really just for fun. Boy, when I saw those two pink lines I just stood there in the bathroom staring at them! I wasn’t expecting to actually BE pregnant!!! I wasn’t ready for another let down!! I couldn’t take anymore heartbreaks!!! I wasn’t ready!!
To Tell Or Not To Tell?
Then, I had to figure out how to tell my husband. Before, he was always there with me when I took pregnancy tests (by the way, I had become addicted to taking pregnancy tests the first two pregnancies). But this time he didn’t even know that I had even bought a test. I didn’t know if how he would react, whether he would feel extremely nervous like me or not. So, I told him later on in the day that I needed to talk to him. We went in the bedroom and I laid the pregnancy test on the bed. He looked at it and said, “Whoa” like 3 times! He was nervous just like me but we had to be ready for whatever happened with this one.
This time I couldn’t get a doctor’s appointment until I was 11 weeks along! That freaked me out!! What if something went wrong?? How would I know what was going on??? How would I know if everything was okay??? Well since it was summer vacation for me (I’m a teacher), I got to put myself on bedrest the first trimester. This pregnancy was definitely different than the other two. I was sick all of the time!!!!
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About The Author
Amy McCutcheon is a loving wife to Angelo McCutcheon and mom to two boys, AJ and Amauri McCutcheon. She is the creator of A Supermom’s Journey, a blog about motherhood and all that it entails. You can read more about the journey at www.supermomsjourney.com. Amy is also an educator and teaches middle school ELA and reading. She also teaches English online to ESL students in China. Amy is also the creator of the YouTube channel A Supermoms Journey and runs a tutoring service called AR Learning where she tutors students ages 4-18 in all core subjects and helps adults with obtaining their GED, college entrance essays, resume writing, and document proofreading. You can book an appointment at www.arlearning.wix.com/home. Amy is in ministry with her husband. They run EBT Ministries which is an outreach ministry to help believers truly understand Yah’s (God) word and the truth about being a child of Yah. You can learn more about the ministry at www.ebtminitries.org. Amy is the creator of the blog GMEL (God, Marriage, Education, Life) where she writes about what Yah’s word says about life for a woman. To continue to read, go to www.gmel2000.blogspot.com.
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